DO YOU NEED HELP

I have spent 8 and a half years dealing with Crps and it has not been easy and I have done it

all on my own really. I mean I do everything myself from cooking to cleaning all the stuff most people

do on auto pilot. And for these years I have well I think I have done pretty well considering.

I have my two dogs in the photo above “Yes I need to fix this ” and they keep me on my toes and

help motivate me in times when I need motivating aka keeping me moving like opening the door

every five minutes to let them in or out or they want food or want to play or go for a run.

But a few days a go things got really hard and everything was not getting done dishes stacked

up, clothes everywhere and I am eating bread dry and drinking coffee. I surpose you would call it

a comfort food. But the honest thing is that is all I have that I can eat without bringing back up. my hand

feels like ice and I just can’t get it warm, my leg muscle has locked up like yours might go if you had cramp.

So after 8 year I have come to the conclusion I can’t do this on my own anymore I need help. Which is not an

easy thing for me to do. That’s when I remember a guy who I met from the local mental Health place and he said

he would help me if I needed it. but at the time I was too bloody stubborn to take his offer. So it was time to search

the web and see if I could find a him again, after about 5 mins I found the place and they had a phone number and they

had email address. Now asking for help on the phone is  just dredfull to me so it was email time so I sent an email and got a reply from them saying they would like to see me on monday and have a chat.

So Monday comes and my mind is like “Do you really need help, you can keep doing it yourself” and all these

sort of thoughts and coming up with excuses of why I can’t go and then time watching 3 hours to go and 2 hours to go and still maybe I will go next week and so on. 1 hour to go.

Right decision time bugger it I am going if I don’t I am going to be in this same place next week what have I got to loose

So I get changed and I am off to town and its a beautiful day the sea is calm like a little pond. I still have major doubts

about what I am doing all the way there. I get there and there’s this big sign Mental Illness help  center and I am like

I don’t have a mental Illness I should just leave this is not for me. So I sit in the car for a moment and think mental illness

do I have one and yes I do I have depression from being in chronic pain for over 8 years. So I decide right lets do this

So I walk in feeling like I am about to have a panic attack feeling very insecure with myself and I walk up to the desk and say hello I have an appointment to see Jamie. Ok if you would just like to take a seat so I am sitting there freaking out going what am I doing holding the chair because if I let go I will just get up and leave. Then finally here he comes and we go off to this room for a chat.

And within about the first five minutes this could of been the best idea I have had in 8 years to get help.

They are going to work with me and come to my place and help me deal with past situations and it all going to

be done holistically. I left there feeling like maybe after some work on me I can move forward and be more

than just someone with CRPS

 

Today 20/08/2014

Woke this morning feeling tired could of been the fact that I was up half the night trying to

get this blog working. Weather has turned to shit blowing like I live in a wind tunnel, where my house

is being used as a to work out aerodynamics or something my right hand is feeling cold again, weather

has a huge effect on Crps I will write crps is small lettering It does not deserve the right to be capitalised

That just gives it more strength. Just the back of my hand mainly its hard to explain its like an aching and also like

your hand has a thin layer of pins and needles all over it or and it feels like ice compared to the other hand. Its raining

now just in small bursts. I have just been on facebook catching up with all my fellow crps friends everyone is having a

hard time of it in these wintery days it seems. what scarey is the amount of people joining our group each day more and more.

When it first started I was the only male in the group as crps effects woman more than men. Now there are about 5 or 6 of us now,

there were about 20 of us when we started now we are near the hundred mark which is good in a way it means more help for those

that need someone to talk too. when I was first diagnosed back in 06 there was nothing in NZ no support group just the internet

with horrible images of what could happen to me, so I am glad these people that are new to crps have somewhere to go and I have somewhere

to go where I can express how I feel and be able to help others who are going through what I have been through or still going through.

Crps is a life changing experience it changes everything and it takes years to get your head around it propperly and even longer, I have lived

with crps for 8 years now and have had to change my whole life from where I live to what  want to do with my life.

But now I have it under better control I know most of my triggers and how to deal with crps when it gets bad so I am happy to be this

way. my friends deal with alot more than I do. Some are in wheel chairs some can’t look after themselves anymore some are just babies in the

world of crps who have only had it a few months and then there are the kids who have to deal with this horrible condition. I am 37 and it has been hell for me to deal with let alone a small child and the poor parents that can’t help there children as there is no cure for crps. It does have a high rate of suicide and yes I came close once or twice what you have to understand this not just pain from a graze and in a few days it

goes away this is every day 24/7 it never stops even with the meds all they do is mask it for awhile they don’t take it away they slow it down

and make it a little better to deal with but for some no medications work and the pain is intense. Now so woman are going to say bullshit to

this next statement but its true crps pain in its extreme is stronger than the pain of giving birth. Now you take that and imagine giving birth over and over again and you might get an understanding why the crps suicide rate is so high. I love my music and a song that tells what its like is by CREED stuck in my own prison sums up a life with crps. Crps people see the world differently to you we worry about the real stuff

like friends family loved ones not material things. We don’t have any fake friends we got rid of them when the shit hit the fan. We are a small group of people who understand each other because we are going through the same stuff and only a person with crps truly understands what its like. Some say to me so you have chronic pain so do I. No I have crps pain is just one part theres Temperature changes, blood flow changes

lack of sleep, constipation from all the meds, pins and needles swelling of hands feet arms etc, memory loss, depression from frustration,

not being able to concentrate, not being able to eat a decent meal as you just bring it back up. not being able to sleep on my right side as this

causes a flare up more pain and the list goes on and on. Well there you go you have a little understanding from where I am coming from

with this blog.

Day one 20/082014

Where to start

Well I having been living with crps for the last eight and a half years and I really need

some where I can express what going on with me I am hopeless at gramma and spelling so I warn you now if your anal on that sort of thing leave now because my posts will only frustrate

you. I did have another blog mike affiliate blablaa bla where I tried to make money online. But I found that this was not for me. So I like to write and have not done so since my last blog so This

is new and will be about my life living with crps and my life in general the good the bad and the bloody ugly. It 12.42am and this is my first post